Oh hai!

Remember me? I haven't blogged in, gosh, almost 5 months. What have I been up to? Well, a lot. Too much to run through all at once I think so I'll take things as they come.

I've missed writing. I've missed having all of you around to give me your input on my (not-so-important) life.  I won't apologize for being gone though.  I needed the break, for many reasons, though I never intended it to be such an extended leave of absence.

Love notes and socks

It's been a rough week. There is pain all around me, in the lives of my dearest friends, and there is unrest in my heart. I am trying to be happy, really trying, but it's just so damned hard sometimes.

And now for some pictures, because sometimes the only cheer I can find in my life is from my beautiful, sweet children.


Yesterday, Bug gave me this:

Inside:

Wearing matching socks with LaLa two days in a row, socks that were purchased for $1/pair from Target's bargain bins. Today's socks:

Wishes, dreams and the sting of reality

If you've known me for even a little while, the following should come as no surprise to you.

I fear that I have gotten my heart wrapped up in something I perhaps shouldn't have.

I choose men that my friends think do not deserve me, that really cannot give me what I so crave. And every time, I'm certain that it will be different than the last, that I will have made the right decision.

And then a month or so in, I find myself left wanting. Wanting more, needing more, feeling misunderstood and neglected.

I know that this is part of my journey in figuring out who I am as a woman, post-divorce. I know that even if I get my heart broken, I will recover in time.

I just wish I would gain some insight into why I choose these broken, hurt men time and again. I wish I could just fix one of them into the picture I've formed in my head, in my heart.

I wish I could be more patient and clear-headed.

I wish I could just fix this one into the man I know he can become if he'd just learn that he can trust me, that I will never hurt him, that I only want to love him.

There are at least a dozen defenses I could offer on his behalf right now, but those seem unimportant. I'm not giving up, not just yet, I'm just reflecting on whether or not I've wandered down this very lonely path once again.

Bad hair day # 4,378

I must not have used enough mousse in my hair last night after washing it because when I woke up this morning, I had as close to an afro as I can get - hair still damp, some strands clinging to my face, curls a hot mess of half-straight/half-curly.

Okay, so I'd have to wear it up. No problem. I tamed the frizz with some hairspray. Didn't work. Well, I just needed my little claw-clip and I could pull half of it up and then spray it some more. Now, where did I put that claw-clip? Oh right, I used it last night, so it must be here someplace...


Coffee table? No.

Night stand? No.

Purse? Nope, not even in the side pockets.

Bathroom drawer full of junk? Not there either, but man this is some old detangling spray from when LaLa was about 6.


I couldn't find it anywhere. Gah. I resigned to using one of LaLa's clear ouch-free rubberbands and a barrette since my hair is far too think for the barrette to stay closed around all of the half-ponytail.

I left the house hating my hair and contemplating just making this a bun day and being done with it.

And then as I was getting out of the car in the parking lot at work and putting my purse in the crook of my elbow, I looked down. And there was my claw-clip, clipped around my purse strap.

OF COURSE.

100*

Fill me up with your nonsense,
I've been serious far too long,
The endless giggles and stories,
Make me so grateful I have you.

Fill me up with your body,
We fit together perfectly,
Hands and mouths not at all hurried,
Slow, to take every sensation in.

Fill me up with your soul,
It fits so well with mine too,
Let me give myself to you,
In all the honesty I'm longing for.

Fill me - touch me - take me in,
I'm here, all yours, no false pretenses.


* This is my 100th post. I'd planned something more traditional, like a 100 things about me list, but this piece I wrote over a year ago seems to echo the mood I find myself in once again.