Quick Update

The appointment yesterday was not quite what I expected. He focused mainly on the optic nerve function but didn't do an eye exam, which means I still need one. The good news: He does not see any sign that the meningioma is affecting my optic nerve function. I don't know exactly what that means in terms of me making a decision about surgery, but it's a small victory in the story.

There is still the chance that the tumor will grow or start pressing on my optic nerve and causing double vision or lack of peripheral vision. Those side effects may or may not correct themselves on their own after having most of the tumor removed. The surgeon mentioned that double vision after the surgery is pretty likely and that it may or may not resolve itself in the four to six weeks of healing time at home post-surgery. There are glasses I could get for the double vision or another surgery. That's a lot of unknown and my type A personality is struggling a bit with it all. I was hoping we'd have a more clear picture of what needed to happen.

After leaving the doctor's office yesterday, I got a call about the contract to hire job I interviewed for last week. I start today. I tossed and turned after 3:30 this morning and I'm sure I'll be tired later but I'm excited to have something, finally (!!). The commute is short, the pay is where I need it to be. Life may not be perfect but it's nice to have something good happen while I try and figure out everything else.

Funk

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for everyone's concern and offers to help. It means so much to us that everyone is ready and willing to help if we should need it.

I'm stuck in the funk of not knowing what comes next, of not knowing whether or not the surgery will be scheduled or delayed or ignored or made top priority. It's so frustrating.

Today I see the specialist to get the in-depth neuro eye exam. Last week I picked up a disk with my MRI images to take to the doctor today. I came home and put it in the computer. Huge mistake. There is no amount of preparing or rationalizing that made me capable of seeing those pictures. That's one big tumor in my head, folks. If I had photo editing software, I'd crop a picture and post it here. Maybe I can figure that out this week. Because I'm all about sharing the gasping horror with those that I love.

I'm waiting on a call about a contract job that I interviewed for on Friday. News this afternoon maybe. Not totally sure I want the job if it turns out I'm going to have to quit because who wants a new employee that's going to have to have major surgery and be out for over a month? That sounds horrible, of course I *want* the job...I just don't want the mess of having to leave it should this turn out the way that I fear.

Feeling like a big coward all the sudden. Where did I put that courage again?